Illness & Hate?

Anna Akhmatova
“I seem to myself, as in a dream,
An accidental guest in this dreadful body.”
Anna Akhmatova, The Complete Poems of Anna Akhmatova

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Today sequestered in my bed at home I unfortunately find that I am alone with myself. My family is here and they are in no way ignoring me. Yet I am internally alone with my thoughts and feelings, in my bed my awareness of all the things my body is going through is screamingly apparent. I am generally not one to have a pity-party and I tell myself that I sure as hell am not going to start having one now. Yes, I have been better. I remind myself that I certainly have been far worse. The problem is when a person is alone with their internal discord of thoughts and feelings they can become somewhat pessimistic. Given enough time your thoughts will boil down to…this sucks & I hate this.
I hate the disease.
I hate the fatigue.
I hate the need for assistance because my body is uncooperative.
I hate the looks of helplessness I see in the faces of those who care.
I hate the uncertainty.
I hate the burning cold heaviness in my legs.
I hate the bouts of cognitive soup.
I hate the headaches.
I hate missing out.
I hate letting people down.
I hate the worry I cause.
I hate the pain.
Hate is a awful word. It is a word I rarely use. Hate is such a strong expression of detestation and loathing that there is few things in my life I can honestly attribute it to. It is when I am at my weakest that I feel free to apply it to things. When that happens I must stop myself-refocus, breath, take stock, and have faith.
If I were honest right now I must amend the fore stated list.
I wish there was no disease.
I accept the fatigue.
I love that I have people to help me.
I appreciate that people care enough to be concerned.
I understand that I do not know what will happen.
I adapt with layers to keep warm.
I laugh at my tendency to lose my track of thoughts.
I believe my headaches are temporary.
I enjoy what others can do.
I acknowledge that others will worry.
I undertake the pain, knowing that despite it I will not relent.

thomas bernard
“Whatever condition we are in, we must always do what we want to do, and if we want to go on a journey, then we must do so and not worry about our condition, even if it’s the worst possible condition, because, if it is, we’re finished anyway, whether we go on the journey or not, and it’s better to die having made the journey we’re been longing for than to be stifled by our longing.”
Thomas Bernhard, Concrete
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4 comments

  1. Wow! My thoughts in the first part are nearly identical to yours! I need to take a page out of your book and start thinking in a more positive light about MS. It can be an all-consuming monster if you let it, and I’m trying SO hard to not let it consume my thoughts every day. I’d love to sometimes forget I have it, wouldn’t that be great? Hope you are doing well x

    Like

  2. You’re not pessimistic, the fact you accept, acknowledge and appreciate things around you tells me there’s still lots of sunshine in you. But don’t give up, keep thriving!
    You write beautifully, and are a very pretty woman! Don’t give up. Try Leo Gura’s video’s, helped me alot. Actualized. Org

    Liked by 1 person

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